


Conversation 16

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, Manga Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-06 11:08:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1855834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s an electrical pull between them, and if she turned around now then maybe Historia would kiss her, cup her chest with tentative hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conversation 16

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from a song of the same name by The National

Ymir has scars running down her back. She wishes she could say where they came from, but everything from that time is a blur of bloodlust and pent-up frustration—of _let me out, I don’t want this, this isn’t me_. Once, she liked to think she wasn’t a monster.

She cuts herself on broken 3DMG, and her skin epithelializes before she can bleed. The other trainees don’t notice because they’re too busy comparing bruises and dick sizes. Historia is different. Historia hides inside Krista Lenz like a miscarriage, but Ymir can see her in the dead blue eyes.

\--

She knows the plan: find Historia Reiss, use her as blackmail, get pardoned for everything the other Ymir did. Never have to worry about her past again. It’s a good plan, and she knows it would work. Things get muddled somewhere in the short time it takes for her to fall in love.

Historia notices the scars when Ymir is changing out of her uniform. She doesn’t comment on them, but Ymir can hear her gasp: quiet, almost imperceptible. They’re alone in the room with stagnant air all around them and Ymir thinks about how easy it would be to give in and tell her everything, from the moment she first transformed to the time she finally gained the ability to become human again. No one else would have to know.

But Historia is staring at her naked back while she searches for a shirt that doesn’t reek, and now, she imagines being touched. Her breasts feel heavy, the undersides sticky with sweat and almost plastered to the skin beneath them. She wonders what it would feel like if Historia traced every scar on her body. There’s an electrical pull between them, and if she turned around now then maybe Historia would kiss her, cup her chest with tentative hands. Maybe Historia’s fingers would travel down her too-prominent rib cage and through the opening in her pants.

“I should get going,” Historia says. Ymir has forgotten why she followed her back to the room to begin with.

“Yeah,” Ymir agrees. “You should.”

She focuses on breathing while Historia walks to the door. There’s one last moment of hesitation, but then she’s gone, and Ymir feels her body release all the tension that had built up in the past four minutes. Her hair falls around her face. She finds herself thinking that suddenly, blackmail isn’t enough.

\--

It might just be her imagination, but Historia acts differently around Ymir. She doesn’t hide behind Krista Lenz as much as she does with the others. When they’re speaking, Ymir can smell Historia’s apathy in her exhales, taste the purple bags under her eye sockets. Her saccharine smiles don’t come as often. Sometimes, they don’t come at all.

For a while, she worried that it was Krista Lenz who made her heartbeat speed up. Now she knows that isn’t the case. It isn’t the name “Krista” that she gasps into her pillow late at night; the Historia in her fantasies doesn’t give indiscriminately, the way Krista Lenz would. She gives some and demands more back, in the form of kisses on lips and thighs and somewhere else. Ymir likes to imagine that Historia tastes bitter against her tongue.

As far as she’s aware, everyone knows about how she feels—Historia included. Ymir doesn’t mind. It’s one less thing to have to hide.

“When we get out of here, marry me,” she says. But there are others around, and Historia is Krista. She sputters and she puts her life on the line so others don’t have to, so she’s the one seen as a martyr. Ymir wants to lock her up in a high tower and keep her for an eternity. She’s a monster; she’s known that for years now.

Her priorities change. Suddenly, she doesn’t care about getting pardoned. She doesn’t care about living a quiet life, leaving behind the shitstorm of her past, forgetting the calls of Titans whispering her name like she’s someone to be worshipped. During training, she deliberately slacks off so Historia will get the tenth spot and have a chance at safety. Ymir doesn’t matter anymore. It’s unhealthy, maybe, but she doesn’t care.

\--

At Utgard, everything else changes. Historia knows. She knows, and despite everything, she’s fine with it. Ymir is getting torn apart by Titans and it doesn’t matter, because Historia doesn’t care that she’s the worst person alive—that she isn’t human—that she’s the very thing they’re trying to fight against.

She’s missing a third of her body, but it’s okay. She’s feels warm. Historia is cradling her in her arms, and she’s whispering her own name like a confession. Ymir doesn’t bother telling her that she knew it all along. She goes out with a smile.

Things are quiet for a day or two. She spends most of the time recovering, staring up at the sky and thinking about the softness of Historia’s lap and the way she says her name. At one point, while Ymir plays with the fingers on her recently-regrown hand, she gets a visitor.

“So that’s what the scars are from,” is the first thing she says.

Ymir forces herself onto her elbows for support. Historia is standing a meter away, arms limp at her sides and eyes downcast. She flinches at Ymir’s movement.

“I didn’t want this to happen,” Ymir says, and it’s at least partially true.

Historia looks up. Their eyes meet, and Ymir thinks that the bags under Historia’s are even more pronounced than usual. “I tried to tell myself that this changes something,” she says. “But it doesn’t. You told me that you were hiding something ever since the beginning. I tried to find a reason why it hurt me, because I knew that it reached beyond just the fact that you’re a shifter. Eren’s a shifter. That doesn’t matter. Why should this?”

They’re silent for a moment. Ymir starts to open her mouth, but Historia speaks up before she can say anything. “I can’t believe that I never noticed,” she admits.

“I’m a pretty good liar,” Ymir says.

“I thought you said you hate liars?” Historia reminds her.

Her lips form a twisted smile. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

Somehow they’ve gotten closer, and Ymir realizes that Historia has been inching towards her since their conversation began. Historia sits down and brushes a strand of hair away from Ymir’s face. “You shouldn’t be putting pressure on your elbows,” she whispers. “They might not be fully healed yet.”

“But this way I can see you,” Ymir justifies. Historia rests her hand against Ymir’s cheek.

“I’ll lie down with you,” she says, and Ymir would never turn that offer down.

For the first time ever, Ymir thinks she sees a light in Historia’s eyes.

“I want to run away with you,” Historia admits, her voice breathy. Ymir feels like her chest is being crushed, debris of Castle Utgard climbing into her pores and suffocating her, and she guesses that’s what love feels like.

\--

When Reiner and Bertolt kidnap her, she decides there’s no point in fighting back. Eren obviously disagrees, but in the end, he’s Eren: too stubborn, too optimistic, too over-the-top. In a way, she envies him. She gave up years ago.

They don’t know who she is. Somehow, they’ve gone this long without hearing about Ymir, Queen of the Titans. Maybe she’s before their time, maybe she’s been replaced. She tries not to care. She only cares about one thing anymore.

Soon enough, the others come after them. This isn’t a surprise. Historia is there, and she’s correcting Connie when he calls her “Krista,” and she’s saying that she can do anything as long as Ymir’s by her side.

Ymir can’t give her the chance to prove that. Historia has a future.

\--

She imagines coming back. It’s all that she sees when she closes her eyes, even for the smallest fraction of a second. She has the scene memorized by now. They will meet at the castle, with Historia having reclaimed her rightful position as Queen. Ymir will be incognito. Maybe she’ll be dressed as a member of the Military Police, maybe a servant, maybe a mysterious man that found his way from outside the walls. Historia will be suspicious, of course. Her disguise has to be enough that Historia wouldn’t even begin to suspect her identity.

Then, she will ask the Queen for one date: just one night of her life. Krista would never be able to turn down a hopeless suitor, and Ymir can only hope that old habits die hard. They will go out to a fancy restaurant which Ymir will insist on paying for with the money she had been collecting the past few years in anticipation for this moment.

They will dance to the violinist’s rendition of a classical piece meant for piano. Maybe Historia will feel the breasts pressed against hers and begin to get a clue; even so, she’ll be too polite to bring it up. They will dance, and then they will finish their dinner.

Historia will say that she had a wonderful time, but the smile on her face will be fake, and the gleam in her eyes will be long dead. In response, Ymir will lean down and they will finally kiss. Historia will taste like mint leaves and formaldehyde, and Ymir will never want to stop, not even when her blood runs out of oxygen and Historia gasps against her mouth. But she will stop. She will force a smile and then she will bow, exposing the back of her neck during the process. Historia will see the scars and the freckles, and her eyes will grow wider as she begins to connect the dots, and finally—

Ymir will walk away.

And that will be enough for her.

**Author's Note:**

> I realized that all of my yumikuri fics are AUs from Historia's POV, and I felt the need to rectify that. I also wanted to make a distinction between Krista and Historia, because I feel like many yumikuri fics just ignore one of them (my own included). Also, the titan shifters probably heal their scars but I only realized that halfway through writing this, so I ignored that.
> 
> I'd like to say that the next thing I write is 100% definitely going to be the next chapter of But I'm A Cheerleader, except I'm probably just going to give in and end up writing some kind of Sailor Moon fic first. Maybe PGSM Rei/Minako. Maybe older Hotaru/Chibiusa. I have no idea. Sailor Moon has taken over my life.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! I can always be found at outerscout.tumblr.com if you want to talk about anything ever.


End file.
